Went to talk to somebody today about getting help through something like Talking Therapy. In a short while I managed to understand why I am like I am sometimes. I do stretch my arm out and keep people away from getting close to me. This is my self-preservation. I will add more detail about this as soon as I can but it made a lot of sense to me.
My daughter, Danielle Watson was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when she was 7 years old. She was one of many in our family with this hereditary condition. I have Type 1 and use an Insulin Pump to help to control my own diabetes. This story is about my beautiful daughter and how my life changed dramatically when my angel died in her sleep. The cause of death was Dead In Bed Syndrome. I write more on this subject on another blog as I have many questions.
Monday, 26 November 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Looking for a Memorial for My Beautiful Daughter
Well I have to do something with Danielle's ashes! I can't believe I have just typed those words that kill me and seem impossible. I have been to a funeral service company today to look at some ideas. I want an Angel. I can design my own or look around for something I like and they will make me anything I want. Here goes.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Feeling Bad About The Cremation of My Daughter
I seemed to have been getting on with things around the house yesterday, when BANG! - I got a Facebook message from a friend of Danielle's, asking where he could go to pay his respects as he had been thinking about her a lot over the last few weeks. He had rang a bereavement enquiry line who informed him that she had not been buried like he thought. He asked me if it was true that she had been cremated and it felt like a knife had gone into the middle of my chest and started to twist. My eyes were overflowing with tears as I started to regret what I had done.
I still haven't come to terms with the fact that my daughter is not here in person and can't bring myself to accept ashes as an alternative to her. It's time, I think, to put the ashes somewhere and get an angel overlooking her in the form of a beautiful monument, but where do I start? I have the place in a beautiful cemetery but nothing more.
I still haven't come to terms with the fact that my daughter is not here in person and can't bring myself to accept ashes as an alternative to her. It's time, I think, to put the ashes somewhere and get an angel overlooking her in the form of a beautiful monument, but where do I start? I have the place in a beautiful cemetery but nothing more.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
The Mystery Of My 13th Birthday Presents
Well, it was the Saturday before my birthday when I asked my mum if I could have my birthday presents early. I know all kids (and some adults) do this, but I really needed mine before my birthday. Normally, my mum wouldn't have given in, but she did. I got two baby rabbits and a lovely hutch from the garden centre. One rabbit was black and I called this one Treacle and the other was brown so I called this one Toffee. I was now a proud parent of my own little children that I would spend lots of time with over the coming week.
Mum said they were never to come into the house, but they came in lots and lots. Mum said I had to promise to keep the hutch clean which I did all the time. Mum didn't realize that I had thrown the rabbit droppings over next door's fence. She did suss me out a few days later and told me off about it. I saw her smirking as she walked away.
Mum took me shopping for clothes for my big day on 17th May 2007. I bought a lovely patterned tunic, a pair of leggings, some flat shoes (because I was tall), some earrings and a necklace. Mum then asked me if I could think of anything I would like to open on the day. I said that I would like some perfume and we spent a while in the chemist smelling all the different ones until they all smelt the same. I went back to one which I loved. It was Touch of Pink by Lacoste. Mum wanted to wrap it up but I begged her to let me have a spray of it when we got back home. It didn't get wrapped up. I even came downstairs wearing all my new clothes. Mum asked me to put them away until my party. I hung them in my wardrobe after having a good look at myself in the mirror.
I did get to wear these clothes and my new jewellery. I was in The Chapel of Rest.
Mum said they were never to come into the house, but they came in lots and lots. Mum said I had to promise to keep the hutch clean which I did all the time. Mum didn't realize that I had thrown the rabbit droppings over next door's fence. She did suss me out a few days later and told me off about it. I saw her smirking as she walked away.
Mum took me shopping for clothes for my big day on 17th May 2007. I bought a lovely patterned tunic, a pair of leggings, some flat shoes (because I was tall), some earrings and a necklace. Mum then asked me if I could think of anything I would like to open on the day. I said that I would like some perfume and we spent a while in the chemist smelling all the different ones until they all smelt the same. I went back to one which I loved. It was Touch of Pink by Lacoste. Mum wanted to wrap it up but I begged her to let me have a spray of it when we got back home. It didn't get wrapped up. I even came downstairs wearing all my new clothes. Mum asked me to put them away until my party. I hung them in my wardrobe after having a good look at myself in the mirror.
I did get to wear these clothes and my new jewellery. I was in The Chapel of Rest.
The Day Before My Birthday
My mum was lying in bed working out how the day was going to go. My little brother, Jamie was still asleep and I hadn't got up yet. It was about 8 in the morning when my mum switched the telly on in her bedroom and just stayed where she was, mulling things over in her head. I was off school and Jamie was on school holidays so mum made the most of it. When she decided to get up she came in just to check that I was still breathing as she always did; this had never left her since I was a baby. She was always listening for me breathing and if she wasn't sure, she would always put the back of her hand on my chest to feel it moving.
I was off school today so my mum was letting me have a lie-in. Well at 9.15 am, my mum thought it was time we were up really, but at the same time she thought that I should enjoy my last lie-in before getting me back to school or finding a tutor for home education. My mum arranged to have the office at home made so that she had her working area on one side and I had mine on the other. Well anyway, my mum got out of bed and opened my door first as usual but she noticed that the part of my leg that she could see, had a mark on it which looked like a red bruise. As she stood next to me, she saw this reddish coloured bruise spread a bit more and it didn't seem right so she pulled the quilt back and couldn't quite make it out. I was lying on my front but although my skin colour hadn't changed, there were red deposits in between my legs and when she turned me over, my chest was very red. She rubbed my skin and it wasn't cold as she had feared. She opened my eyes and they were still as dark brown and beautiful as ever. The only thing visible was the scratch marks off the baby rabbits I got for my birthday. They had scratched my chest so much, but did I listen to my mum? No, you are right. I loved those scratch marks. Oh, did I forget to say, it was to be my birthday tomorrow? I was going to be 13. Me and my mum went to B & Q yesterday to buy a barbecue. We laughed so much carrying it to the car. I was laughing much more than my mum because I was excited about my party. Yes, my Uncle's girlfriend who was a Beautician was coming over to do our eyebrow shaping and makeovers, we were then off down the town while the barbecue was heating up. Then we were having a barbecue with some good loud music.
I was off school today so my mum was letting me have a lie-in. Well at 9.15 am, my mum thought it was time we were up really, but at the same time she thought that I should enjoy my last lie-in before getting me back to school or finding a tutor for home education. My mum arranged to have the office at home made so that she had her working area on one side and I had mine on the other. Well anyway, my mum got out of bed and opened my door first as usual but she noticed that the part of my leg that she could see, had a mark on it which looked like a red bruise. As she stood next to me, she saw this reddish coloured bruise spread a bit more and it didn't seem right so she pulled the quilt back and couldn't quite make it out. I was lying on my front but although my skin colour hadn't changed, there were red deposits in between my legs and when she turned me over, my chest was very red. She rubbed my skin and it wasn't cold as she had feared. She opened my eyes and they were still as dark brown and beautiful as ever. The only thing visible was the scratch marks off the baby rabbits I got for my birthday. They had scratched my chest so much, but did I listen to my mum? No, you are right. I loved those scratch marks. Oh, did I forget to say, it was to be my birthday tomorrow? I was going to be 13. Me and my mum went to B & Q yesterday to buy a barbecue. We laughed so much carrying it to the car. I was laughing much more than my mum because I was excited about my party. Yes, my Uncle's girlfriend who was a Beautician was coming over to do our eyebrow shaping and makeovers, we were then off down the town while the barbecue was heating up. Then we were having a barbecue with some good loud music.
Preparing For My Party
Well on 19th May 2007 I was going to be 13. Wow! I hadn't even thought of the fact that I was going to be a teenager because all I could think about was the fabulous party my mum was arranging for me. I asked my mum if I could have 13 people at my party and she said that was okay so I left my mum a note before I went to bed. "Please mum will you print my birthday invitations so I can take them to school tomorrow" so she did. The invitations were great. They invited my friends to come for a beauty makeover including eyebrow shaping and make-up. We were then having a walk down town (obviously to show off a bit) and then coming back to a feast of a barbecue. My birthday invitations got all my friends really excited and I couldn't wait for the big day. Mum said she would get me up mid-morning if I fancied a lie-in and then we could walk down to our favourite butcher shop for the speciality sausages and some steak burgers. I was excited about the barbecue but more excited about the make-over.
About Me
Hi. Ma name is Danni. Ma full name is Danielle Candice Watson. Ma mum and dad only giv me da name of Danielle Watson. They didnt realize I shud av ad a middle name so I stole ma middle name from da girl off Coronation Street called Candice coz she was gr8 and ded pwitty. I was born on da 19th ov May 1994 into da world you all no. I no loadsa peeps wont undastand diz language so I will write it so u do.
A few months after I had left, I told my mum that she was to write a book and that I would help her. You see, my mum loved me so much, she didn't give me the freedom that I wanted. I wanted to go out with my mates but mum was always scared that something would happen to me. She thought I was going to get run over or kidnapped. My mates were allowed out so why wasn't I? If ever I said that I wanted to go swimming, my mum had to drive me there because she said she was going shopping anyway. When I wanted to go to any of my friends' houses, my mum had to question everything before she would let me go and even then, she had to drive me. Oh no, nobody was allowed to pick me up just in case they didn't make sure I had my seatbelt on or maybe they might drive too fast.
Since I have been able to assess my life, I have had to accept that she was scared of losing me. My mum used to imagine being given the news that I had been run over on the way to school or that I had collapsed during cross country. When I wasn't home at 3.40 pm, (school finished at 3.30 pm and it was a ten minute walk from school if you didn't stop to talk to your mates) oh, something must have happened to me and she would be on the corner looking for me. Well, she might have left it 15 minutes before she came outside pretending that she needed to post a letter. I always had my mobile with me and I made sure I told my mum whenever I moved from one place to another, but that wasn't good enough. My mum rang me in between me ringing her. Did she think she was going to lose me? Well my friends' mums weren't like that.
If you want to know more about me, well my bedroom is kitted out with everything 'Playboy'. My quilt cover is the playboy design, my lava lamp has playboy glittery bits in it, I have a playboy watch, clothes, purse, handbag, belt, slippers, necklace and earrings. My mum now wears my playboy cuff which is gorgeous. It is shiny black with a diamante playboy figure on it. She also wears my thick white belt that I bought to go over my turquoise top that she is now also trying to get into. She will never pinch my shoes because I am a size 7 going into an 8 and she is a 5 1/2 (aww bless). Oh yes, my height of 5 ft 7 1/2" made me tower over my mum's height of 5 ft 2 1/2". She used to tell me that the 1/2" was very important but it still made me 5" taller than her and I was only 12 years old! What was she gonna do when I carried on growing? Oh, by the way, my Consultant used to call me in like this "Can I have Danielle Long Legs?". I mean, how embarrassing! I did have long legs but the waiting room of people stared at my legs and that made me too conscious of walking okay that I ended up walking funny or too quickly to get it over with. I was growing at the rate of 1 cm per month and I was starting to think that I would be too tall to get a boyfriend.
A few months after I had left, I told my mum that she was to write a book and that I would help her. You see, my mum loved me so much, she didn't give me the freedom that I wanted. I wanted to go out with my mates but mum was always scared that something would happen to me. She thought I was going to get run over or kidnapped. My mates were allowed out so why wasn't I? If ever I said that I wanted to go swimming, my mum had to drive me there because she said she was going shopping anyway. When I wanted to go to any of my friends' houses, my mum had to question everything before she would let me go and even then, she had to drive me. Oh no, nobody was allowed to pick me up just in case they didn't make sure I had my seatbelt on or maybe they might drive too fast.
Since I have been able to assess my life, I have had to accept that she was scared of losing me. My mum used to imagine being given the news that I had been run over on the way to school or that I had collapsed during cross country. When I wasn't home at 3.40 pm, (school finished at 3.30 pm and it was a ten minute walk from school if you didn't stop to talk to your mates) oh, something must have happened to me and she would be on the corner looking for me. Well, she might have left it 15 minutes before she came outside pretending that she needed to post a letter. I always had my mobile with me and I made sure I told my mum whenever I moved from one place to another, but that wasn't good enough. My mum rang me in between me ringing her. Did she think she was going to lose me? Well my friends' mums weren't like that.
If you want to know more about me, well my bedroom is kitted out with everything 'Playboy'. My quilt cover is the playboy design, my lava lamp has playboy glittery bits in it, I have a playboy watch, clothes, purse, handbag, belt, slippers, necklace and earrings. My mum now wears my playboy cuff which is gorgeous. It is shiny black with a diamante playboy figure on it. She also wears my thick white belt that I bought to go over my turquoise top that she is now also trying to get into. She will never pinch my shoes because I am a size 7 going into an 8 and she is a 5 1/2 (aww bless). Oh yes, my height of 5 ft 7 1/2" made me tower over my mum's height of 5 ft 2 1/2". She used to tell me that the 1/2" was very important but it still made me 5" taller than her and I was only 12 years old! What was she gonna do when I carried on growing? Oh, by the way, my Consultant used to call me in like this "Can I have Danielle Long Legs?". I mean, how embarrassing! I did have long legs but the waiting room of people stared at my legs and that made me too conscious of walking okay that I ended up walking funny or too quickly to get it over with. I was growing at the rate of 1 cm per month and I was starting to think that I would be too tall to get a boyfriend.
Danielle's Diagnosis In Her Own Words
My Diabetes Diagnosis
I started to get the odd pain in my bladder area and sometimes when I went to the toilet it just felt like I had a bladder full but only a bit came out. My mum took me to the doctor and he put a stick in my wee sample and said that it had glucose in it. I wasn't bothered because I didn't know what it meant but I heard the doctor say to my mum that the water infection I had might be causing my wee to have sugar in it but he also said that if I had diabetes, the diabetes might be causing the sugar in my wee. Ok, so mum took me home after the doctor said that he would wait to hear from the hospital but she was (as usual) too worried to wait. She took my finger and did a blood test on me. The meter she used gave her a result in 5 seconds. My mum burst into tears. I wondered what was wrong. She cried "She's 24". Well my granddad (mum's dad) was there and he said "Och no" (he's broad Scottish) and my mum just carried on crying. My dad had just come home this night from a major operation and he couldn't believe what my mum was saying either. My mum rang the doctor and said that I had a reading of 24 and he got us straight over to the hospital for tests. Well, my mum had had diabetes since she was 10 years old so I was sure she knew what she was talking about. Yes, after several blood tests, it was confirmed that I had Type 1 diabetes and I was admitted to hospital.
I was in hospital about five days altogether. My mum slept overnight every night but the whole time she was with me, she cried buckets. There was a family opposite whose son was about my age and he had been diagnosed with the same but his mum wasn't crying like my mum was. I was so embarrassed that I asked my mum to go home and let my Dad sleep over instead. Well my lovely mum (aww) didn't want to go because she hadn't been back to the house since I came into hospital so she knew it was going to be quiet and I know she was thinking that she had better not go and look at my bed or else she will be crying even more.
I now know that my mum drove home, went into the house and screamed in the kitchen really loud, followed by those hot tears that you get when your face is cold. The neighbour who I called Nana came in with some comics for my mum to bring into me. Mum did my washing and cried all the way through it and then, yes, she couldn't resist going into my bedroom. I had a four-poster single bed which my mum absolutely loved. I wished I had had an ordinary bed but my mum wanted me in this one like a princess. My mum lay on my bed, held one of my teddies and cried until her snot glued her to my pillow. Well thanks mum!
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